If you read my first post depicting my past relationships, then you know what my "crazy ex" is like.  He is the last relationship described.  I have moved on and am in a happy loving relationship with my current BF, J.  Z (The Ex) has seen J with me a few times, but nothing different compared to his normal driving by work to see me without saying anything.  Creepy?  Yes, but nothing to really worry about.

That is...until Monday.  He tracked me down online and sent me an email titled, "Glad To See You Are Still Going Strong."

Here is what he wrote:

Oddly, finding you online wasn't as difficult as I had imagined. I felt a need to at least say something other than thank you... conversation is at best a bridge hard to gap these days.

Lisa... in reality I was a very stable person, mentally, physically, and so on, but unfortunately, I suffered something that no man nor woman should have felt. Coping was near impossible and I have come to hate myself every single day after that afternoon for not thinking before I jumped. Fortunately, I received something from a source I would have never expected and it changed a few things in my eyes.  Your love.

I regret what I did, but in the same light... I can't say it was a complete mistake. No one can foresee the future and it could have ended on a much worse note... but it was painful enough in the way we parted.

None of this makes any sense I am sure... and though you are probably on the edge of rushing into the adjacent room to have a restraining order filed... I assure you there is no reason to step that far. I want you to know that I am sorry, and though we see one another often in town, I can't bring myself to say the words myself. One day you may see things in a different light... I won't be the monster that resides in the shadows... the one that broke your heart...

Love is like war... Easy to start... Hard to End... Impossible to forget.

I was telling a close friend about it, and J overheard.  After telling him, his reaction scared me a bit.

He got so jealous.  His face totally drained of color, then he got ANGRY.  "Can't he understand that it's over?!"

He held grabbed my hand to "comfort" me, but was gripping so hard it almost hurt.  Then he said that I should get a restraining order, that he's a F*ing psycho, and that he's worried about me.

I really don't know what to do and feel that it was a mistake to tell J.

Do I have anything to worry about?  What would you do if you were in my situation?

Okay, so everyone at work is acting like J and I are already BF/GF...I'm not sure if I like that or not...

I actually went in to work today hoping no one would know about "the date" yet.  But of course, everyone knew.

I tried to act like it was cool...I just don't like everyone knowing about my personal life..Ya know?

Then when J came in to work (I was working a double..day shift and night shift..and man am I feeling it!  ) he didn't actually say hi..He kind of walked over there, gave me a sheepish look and waved, and so I was like "hey!" 

Then later, he kept winking at me...whenever he walked by he'd touch me in some form...stuff like that.

When we were slow enough to actually talk, he mentioned that ever since we've agreed to going out I've been standoff-ish.  I really haven't noticed..but that's my relationship flaw:  Communication.

*kicks self* Lisa, guys CAN NOT read your mind!  Got that?  LOL

He did tell me I looked good, though.    Then we talked about Monday night..He's getting us a reservation at some fancy steakhouse. 

Problem? 

1.  I don't like steak.  (I have simple food tastes.. and "fancy" foods do NOT fall under that category.) 

2.  It's too expensive..I mean, c'mon.  He doesn't need to impress me.  I don't like people for what they give me, do for me, or spend on me.  I like them for them.

Then a little after that, he grabbed my hand...and whenever we were together the rest of the night, he kept holding my hand. 

I'm not complaining, but he's already acting like he is my BF.  I talked to a guy at work that's good friend with J, we'll call him R.  R said J even went out and bought new clothes for Monday..and that he is like "head over heels."  Stuff like that..I don't know how to feel.

All I know is I need to communicate more...It's just always been a problem with me....I can talk about music or tv/movies for hours..but ask me to speak about my feelings and I clam up.

*Share emotions?  What?  Does not compute.  OVERLOAD!*

It's just so much easier to write it all on a blog.  I feel like if I actually say what I'm feeling to the person, it'll seem silly. 

Anyone got any tips about how to ease yourself into sharing your emotions, and the "important stuff" in relationships?

I would be SO grateful!

(I don't want to screw up this relationship before it really even begins...)

I woke up sick, and had to call into work.  I hate this! 

I was trying to get ready for work, but dad was like you can't go to work like this..and called in for me!  I was so mad...I constantly feel like everyone thinks I'm this little fragile flower that needs taking care of.  I don't like it.  I want to be independent!

So whenever I work next, I'm going to be super embarassed.  People love to talk where I work...  which highly relates to the "drama" mentioned in the title.

Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, I went to the Twilight party with J.  I really like him, and kind of thought it was going to be a date.  It wasn't, though...I don't think.

I had a group of friends coming, too (Vicky, Tiff, and Terri ended up coming too).  J ended up being the only guy there..I kinda felt bad about that.  Tiff was supposed to bring her fiance..but he didn't want to go.  Reminds me, I'm going to their wedding in May.  Since you're supposed to take a date to a wedding, I'd love to take J..but I really don't know...

Onto the rest of the drama.

Okay, I did have fun at the party, and was so glad J got along with my friends.  The bad thing was...I was really nervous at times.  Turns out, me being really nervous results in being SUPER clumsy and bringing out my country "twang" which I HATE!  I made such a fool out of myself...  Vicky said it wasn't that noticeable.  Yeah, right. 

As I mentioned, Terri showed up..  The reason why is ridiculous, though. 

(You see, Terri kind of likes J, too..even though she has a serious BF.)

J got off work early so he could go to the party with me, and had to tell them why.  Terri got jealous that I invited J and not her, so she came to check up on us.  OMG. 

We ended up having fun with her, though.

The car ride home with J, was awesome...It just felt right.  We get along so well, it's like we're perfect for each other.  Except for the fact that we "danced" around the word "date," and agreed it wasn't a date, persay.

One other thing is that he slipped in the question of whether I did like him or not..

I froze..and lied...I believe it was a very unconvincing no...but still.
I couldn't tell how he was asking..and it was dark so I couldnt see his expression.

I figured he either:
a) likes me, and really wanted to know if I felt the same
b) doesn't really care..ya know how you can sort of like somebody but if you dont get romantic, then you're okay with being in the "friends zone"
c) doesnt like me and wanted to be sure I didnt like him
or d) likes me but feels we shouldnt date since we work together.

(or e..I just over-think & over-analyze everything.)

But that brings up the question of "What the Hell was it then?"  (No, I did NOT actually say that.)

The "non-date" ended in a long hug, and the whole lingering good bye kind of stuff.  I loved that hug!

The real drama started at work the next day, though.  I worked day shift, so I only got to see J for a few minutes before I left.  (but he sent me a myspace message when he got home to ask how my day was.  )

When I walked in, Terri gave me this "look" and started laughing.  Then B (another friend) gave me a look like, "WTF would you want with J?!"  It kind of made me uncomfortable.

Later on, Terri and I were talking about the other night. and she claims J told her he does really like me, but that he won't go after me because of my parents. She also threw in that she thought he'd just want me for sex.

...but then part of me says that really doesn't sound like the J I've gotten to know.  Plus, why would J talk to Terri about something like that?

I love Terri, but she's the kind of person who loves to tell gossip...Almost nothing you tell her will stay secret.

...I'm trying to figure out whether Terri is just jealous and trying to get me to stop going after J, or what. 

I really wanted to go to work today to clear it all up.

But that didn't happen.  *sigh*

I don't know...life's just whatever...